My Wedding Report

 
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I know what you are thinking, and there is not a baby duckling on its way. However, that was the topic of the week at our couples counseling.

It was an interesting conversation to have and while we’ve talked about it before, it was a good time to really look at a variety of issues. I thought I’d share some of the conversations that we had.

We started right at the actual birth and labor aspect. Now because of my psychology degree and lifespan developmental/women’s issues classes I have seen several videos of births. And honestly it scares me a little bit each time. I always thought that I would be one to ask for some medication to manage the pain. Our therapist asked if I had ever considered hypnotherapy during labor because it takes away the pain. I had never heard of it, but after her explanation I would definitely consider it as an option. Has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy?

When do we want kids? Mr. Ducky and I have always said that we want to wait at least 3 years or so before starting to have kids. We are both young and really want to invest in our relationship and build a strong foundation as a married couple before introducing kids into the picture. Another huge factor is financial readiness. Now, of course could an accident happen and we end up with a baby sooner rather than later? Yes, but we are hoping this will not be the case. We both agree that we would like 2 kids.

I’d like to be home with the baby at first, but I don’t see myself becoming a full-time stay at home mom. As a therapist I am able to set my own hours and days that I work. I hope to arrange my hours so that I am working when our kids are in school and I’ll be able to pick them up and be home with them in the afternoon. Before they are in school I would maybe want to work a few days a week and arrange child care accordingly depending on where we are at that point. Mr. Ducky is very supportive of these ideas. He knows that I love what I do and how much I have invested in my education. He wants me to be able to continue my work and be a mom.

How do we want to raise our children? Mr. Ducky and I had similar upbringings in terms of values and discipline. Our families were a good balance of strong boundaries and lots of support. We want to raise our kids in that same environment. We want to take our kids to church with us and teach them about our faith. There will be discipline, but also conversations of understanding and acceptance.

It’s really important to me that even after we get married, we continue to “date” and pursue one another. Our relationship will always be a priority and we will continue to be husband and wife as well as being parents. I think it is easy to lose those roles when the focus becomes only the children. Mr. Ducky and I want to be accountable to each other that we continue to take time for ourselves and invest in our relationship even when children come into the picture. This means that we have to start the habit of date nights etc. now.

While I don’t think either of us are ready for kids yet, it was exciting to think about the future.  It also gave us a chance to reflect on the appreciation we have for our families.  We are both lucky to have amazing parents that invested in us and gave us so many opportunities.  

Alright, hive now it is your turn for some questions:
How many kids do you plan on having?
When do you want to have kids?
If you already have kids, what effects will marriage have on them?
Do you or your partner plan on being at home for any period of time after they are born? Will someone be a stay at home mom or dad?
How do you plan on disciplining your children?
Have you and your partner talked much about children in the future?
Do you share the same view on most things related to children?
What topics have you covered in your couples counseling or premarital classes?

Being engaged is about so much more than just wedding planning. Yes, wedding planning is a very big part, but if that becomes a the sole focus I think you miss a big part of the process. The change from dating to marriage is a big one.

When Mr. Ducky and I got engaged we knew we wanted a longer engagement. Part of that was because of grad school and planning, but also because we really wanted to invest in our relationship and prepare ourselves for marriage. It should come as no surprise for those of you that know my background that we wanted to go to couples counseling or premarital therapy. After all, if I’m going to be a marriage and family therapist I better know what if feels like to be the one “on the couch.”

Instead of taking a class, or going to a pastor we decided to go see a licensed marriage and family therapist. Not that the other options are bad, they just weren’t right for us. I think any preparation that you do before marriage is great and can be so beneficial for the relationship. Many friends have asked us why went this particular route, so I thought it might be helpful to explain why we really wanted to have our own private sessions with a therapist or psychologist.

We wanted to find someone who was passionate about working with couples and has extensive training in the area. There are so many different theories and approaches to couples and relationships, some great and others not so great. It was important we find someone who really likes working with couples and relationships and has the knowledge to support that. Essentially we found someone who was an expert in their field. And not that they necessarily know what exactly what is right for us, but their knowledge can help guide us as a couple as we make our own decisions.

By seeing our own therapist the sessions can be individually tailored to our needs and struggles as a couple. There are certainly the major “hot spots” that most premarital counseling classes and counseling covers, but each couple has unique struggles that come form individual experiences. For example we are looking at how my chosen profession as a marriage and family therapist can impact our relationship since I deal with other people’s problems and emotions all day which can sometimes lead to feeling drained.

We are not going to see a couples therapist because we have major problems and need a therapist to “referee” us in session. However, just because we don’t have problems now doesn’t mean that we won’t have struggles in the future. By going to therapy now we are building our foundation and adding skills to the tool box that will help us cope with future challenges that will no doubt come up in marriage, even if it’s 30 years from now. Our therapist is an outside party that can look at us objectively, be brutally honest if needed and challenge us to grow as a couple.

The idea of going to see a therapist or psychologist is scary and intimidating for many people. Sometimes you can feel like something is wrong with you or that couples counseling really means that the relationship is over. However, this is not what therapy is about. Therapy does not have to be a last resort. Instead it can be a tool that can prevent you from hitting that low point or just encourage growth. By going to couples therapy now, I believe it will allow us to feel comfortable going back to a counselor during marriage if we ever need a “tune-up.” By establishing a relationship with a marriage therapist now, it will create a bridge for us to go back if we ever hit a tough spot in the marriage and could use some extra insight or encouragement. Just attending the first session can sometimes be the hardest part of the process and then you are able to break down some of the fears and mystery.

Even with my own experience, it was still a little odd and uncomfortable to go for the first few sessions with Mr. Ducky. It’s intimidating to open up yourself and your relationship to another person. However, after our first few sessions I feel much more comfortable and it is going to be so good for us. I will try to share some “snippets” that we take away from the sessions and get the hives thoughts. In our first few sessions I was away with a deep appreciation for the relationship I have with Mr. Ducky and hopeful for all that is ahead in our future. I hope that maybe our reasoning for going to counseling may help you if you are trying to decide whether or not to go.

A big concern when I talk to my friends and other people is the cost of therapy. Obviously as you are saving for your new lives and spending money for the wedding, the extra costs have to be looked at. Mr. Ducky and I are choosing to set aside money each month for our counseling and are looking at it as an investment. However, therapy is not always as expensive as you may think. Here are a few suggestions to find affordable counseling:

• If you find a therapist you like ask if they are able to lower their rate or if they having a sliding scale fee.
• If they can’t work with you, ask for a recommendation for someone who is within your budget.
• Ask the therapist if they have an intern who could work with you.  A therapist intern is someone who is still earning their hours (3000!) to become a licensed therapist.  They are still do regular therapy, they just consult with their supervisor on the cases.  This is a good deal for you because they may be supervised by an expert and have all their resources. Often times they have a lot of experience. (I’m an Intern)
• If you are student look into the resources at your counseling center and if they will do couples therapy.  Most counseling centers at school are either free or very low cost.
• Find a community clinic.  Community clinics are very affordable and usually have a sliding scale fee.  You can still find an awesome therapist at these clinics.
• Call a local school with a Marriage and Family Therapy Program, or similar psychology program and ask if they have a clinic associated with their students or if they can recommend somewhere.  These school also have lists of recent graduates who are working in the field and probably don’t have as high of rates.
• Check with insurance
• Ask around.  This might be obvious but someone close to you may have a recommendation for a great and affordable therapist.

How do you find a therapist?  I think this part of the process is very discouraging for many people.  It is hard to find a therapist.  I definitely had an advantage in this area because of being in the field.  No one therapist is alike and there are so many different styles. Even if the first therapist isn’t right, you can find someone who relates to you and that you can trust. I sometimes joke that people put more effort into finding a hair stylist than finding a therapist that works for them. Here are some resources that you can utilize to find a therapist.  These are therapist finders that will help you find a therapist and many give brief descriptions on specialties, cost and location.

• Therapist Finder for California from California Association for Marriage and Family Therapists: http://www.therapistfinder.com/
• TherapistLocator through American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists
• Find a Therapist through Psychology Today

These are just a few resources. If you’d like some more please let me know and I’d be happy to recommend something more specific. If you are located in Orange County and are looking for a good therapist, let me know and I’d be happy to give you some other recommendations.

Are you doing premarital counseling or couples therapy? How did you decide whether or not you wanted to do it?

What has been the best part of your counseling or premarital classes so far?

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman

Well I have the last recap for our first Weddingbee book club book. For those of you that haven’t read the book or any of the posts so far you can catch up by reading Part I or Part II.

Chapter 8: Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

In this chapter Gottman discusses how to resolve conflict in a loving relationship. There are 5 steps.
1. Soften Your Startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Basically this principle comes down to giving you partner the same respect that you give others in your life. If you have the book Gottman gives examples of exercises you can do to work on each of the steps.

Chapter 9: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

The most common areas of marital conflict are: work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework and a new baby. Even in a happy marriage these can still be hot buttons. Why? They are connected to some of marriages most important work or as Gottman says tasks. In every marriage there are emotional tasks that allow the marriage and relationship to deepen. This comes down to an understanding where each person can feel safe and secure. Below are the tasks associated with the hot spots and some advice Gottman gave. For the advice section I would strongly recommend reading what the book has to say because there is just no way I can do the words justice in this recap.

Stress and More Stress
The Task: Making Your Marriage a Place of Peace

Bringing work stress and other stresses home can sabotage the marriage. On average today’s couples work 1000 hours more each year than couples 30 years ago. By acknowledging the stress of the day and that you both may need individual time to wind down and decompress can save some of the tension. Also know that situations may get overblown because one person is under significant stress. Even scheduling a venting session about a particularly high time stress may help.

Relations with In-Laws
The Task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity between husband and wife
There are lots of jokes about the in-laws but when you look at research the majority of the family tension is between the wife and her mother-in-law. As the two women spend time together the difference become more obvious and at the core there is essentially a turf battle. The guy ends up being the peacemaker which makes the situation worse. Gottman says that the only way to solve this is for the husband must side with his wife because it is essential for the “we-ness” and his wife comes before this mother. This doesn’t mean that the husband should compromise who he is, but he should stand with his wife and not in the middle. “He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.” Also, do not tolerate contempt from your parents towards your spouse. These roles can be reversed as well and the same principles apply.

Money, Money, Money
The Task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes
Because money symbolizes emotional needs it goes to the core of our individual value system and how we each deal with money. Clearheaded budgeting is important, especially in the beginning of a marriage. It’s important to work as a team and to clearly communicate each person’s concerns, needs and fantasies.

Sex
The Task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
Sex offers the potential for embarrassment, hurt and rejection in couples. It’s difficult to communicate clearly about the topic and couples usually talk in vague ways around the topic. It’s important to learn how to talk about sex in a way that makes each person feel safe. Learn how to ask for what you want and the appropriate way to respond to your partners requests. “A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.”

Housework
The Task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork
In many situations the husband does not understand why housework is such a big deal to the wife. They may have been raised in a more traditional household and don’t know better. It can turn into a pattern where the husband does work and feels like he should be applauded, but then the wife demands more and he becomes defensive and does less. Basic idea to solve this? Everyone has to do housework.

Becoming Parents
The Task: Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children
Again another chapter that can not possibly be summed up in this brief recap. But here are some general suggestions that Gottman discusses: focus on your marital friendship, don’t exclude Dad from baby care, let Dad be the baby’s playmate, carve out time for the two of you, be sensitive to Dad’s needs, and give mom a break.

Chapter 10: Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

“The goal in solving gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.” What is gridlock’s cause? Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by the other person. These dreams may happen at different levels. For instance gridlock over money issues may have the root dream and need for a deep sense of security.

Look at what the dreams are made from, often they started in childhood. No dreams are bad for marriage, but it can become a problem if they are ignored and not respected by your spouse. It may be an open conflict or perhaps buried in some sort of unconscious symbolism. Helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of a happy marriage. Goals can be tangible like having a dream house or intangible like wanting to feel safe. Uncovering the dream can help move you as a couple out of gridlock.

Steps to Overcome Gridlock:
1. Become a dream detective
2. Work on a gridlocked marital issue
3. Soothe each other
4. End the gridlock
5. Say thank-you

Be patient getting out of gridlock is a process and will take time.

Chapter 11: Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Beyond the first 6 principles there is something else that goes beyond just a stable and happy marriage. What is missing is creating shared meaning. A marriage can have “a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciate for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” Culture can be created with just 2 people. The more shared meaning you have as a couple the more rewarding your relationship will be. Family rituals can help to create shared meaning. This may mean something special you do for the holidays or having a regular outing together. Marriage will be deeper to the degree that each others expectations of one another are similar. Share your personal goals with each other and work together to achieve those goals.

The End!

What did you think overall of the book? Which principle do you hope to specifically work on?

What’s your suggestion for the next book club book? I’m not sure who will lead the next book club, but does anyone have any relationship books they’ve been meaning to read?

Like the previous posts please go join the discussions and start threads about the book on the book club board.

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman
Part I

I really loved reading all of your responses and comments on the book so far. There were so many sweet stories from early in our relationships that are so fun to read now. I’m seriously jealous that Bearcub has stayed in a tree house cabin and just smiled reading all the romantic stories of the moment you just knew.

Continuing on with the book club, here is the next recap of the next few chapters in the book.

Chapter 5: Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

This principle is basically about those little moments, subtle acts and quick exchanges that show so much love and affection. These small moments are part of what Gottman says a happy marriage is made of because the couple is turning towards each other and are connecting. In an unhappy couple these moments and exchanges are rare.

“Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”

There are many moments where you can choose to turn toward each other or away. These moments add up to create an “emotional bank account” that can serve as a cushion or support when times get rough, you are dealing with conflict and stress or are feeling distant. It helps to “maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times.”

Chapter 6: Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

Writing this chapter Gottman pointed a lot of the discussion towards men, not to say that women don’t have the same issue, but he sees that it is commonly harder for men to be influenced by their partner than the other way around. Statistically speaking, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce. What does “influence” mean? It doesn’t mean you let the other person rule your life, but there is respect, power sharing and making decisions together.

When you do not allow influence that is when room for the four horsemen to come in. Instead of acknowledging and respecting feelings, there is a drowning out or “obliterating her point of view” which is the opposite of this principle.

Some people will argue that this principle conflicts with their spiritual values or religious beliefs because men are supposed to be in control of their marriage and also their wives. However, this is not the case. “All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and honoring your spouse.” Would you want to make a decision where the other person feels disrespected? Probably not, that is why it is important to talk and learn how to convey honor and respect. Influence does not mean control.

Accepting influence is a skill in addition to being an attitude. If despite plenty of effort there is still difficulty accepting influence, then perhaps at the root of it there is an unsolvable problem. In marriage there is unsolvable and solvable problems. That is okay. Let’s look at this more in the next chapter.

Chapter 7: The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

All marital conflicts fall into 1 of 2 categories: Either the problem can be resolved (solvable) or it is perpetual (unsolvable).

Perpetual Problems
69% of all marital conflict falls in this category! This means that those issues you are arguing about now will likely be the same issues 15 years from now. However, “despite what many therapist tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” While you may never love dealing and arguing with these problems, you will develop skills to cope with them and learn to avoid situations that can help you deal. Dan Wile said, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.”

In unstable marriages these perpetual problems will be what end the marriage because there is continually “gridlock.”

Signs of Gridlock:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your postions are unwilling to budge.
• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing compromise
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally

Next post, we will talk about Principle 6 which addresses how to deal with gridlock.

Solvable Problems

While solvable problems may sound more simple, they still have the potential of causing lots of pain and conflict in a relationship. When the problems is causing this much pain, it means the couple has not mastered a technique to solve it. Principle 5 will talk about how to handle this problem directly, and that will be a part of the next post as well.

How do you recognize a solvable problem though? The first way is that usually a solvable problem is less gut-wrenching, intense and painful than a perpetual problem in gridlock. There is no underlying conflict for the problem, so the focus in on a particular situation or dilemma.

My thoughts and reflections:

I think Gottman’s point of the difference between Hollywood romance and what romance truly consists of, is such an important idea. I definitely have fallen guilty to wanting those sweep you off your feet moments that I love to watch in chick flicks. I don’t know about others, but that is not how Mr. Ducky and I’s relationship works. We don’t get all dressed up and fly away in a helicopter over a beautiful sunset to see the newest opera, (a la Pretty Woman) and we definitely don’t have romantic candlelit dinner every night following a whirlwind romance where we fell in love within days despite the craziest circumstances. What do we have? Well, we like to cook together, we tend to giggle and laugh about things that make no sense to anyone else, we are super excited to watch 24 and LOST together every week (so sad it is over) and the closest we get to a classic fairy tale romance is when we go to Disneyland with our passes and walk under the castle to get Splash Mountain. Romance for us is in the small gestures like when Mr. Ducky gave me a card at 11:00pm at night after I finished my last graduate course just to say he was proud or when I leave a post-it on Mr. Ducky’s computer just to say I love him. And of course I wouldn’t say no to a helicopter ride to go see an opera, I know that those things are not what make us a couple. There is a greater foundation that we have been building upon for a long time.

Mr. Ducky and I turn toward each other, but I think I can be more conscious of doing it more often. In the conference I went to, Gottman spoke about “sliding door moments.” Have you seen the movie with Gwenyth Paltrow, “Sliding Doors”? Basically it’s shows the two different outcomes had she made the train and then had she missed the train. While things may not be as dramatically different in the movie, there is still a different outcome based on whether or not you decide to turn toward your spouse. For instance you are on your way out with girlfriends and you notice your partner seems kind of down and tired. Do you stop and have a conversation to see what is wrong? Or do you figure that you will talk about it after you get home since you are already running late? First, neither choice is wrong. However, if continuously you choose the later option and don’t turn toward your spouse to engage you may miss out on some relationship building.

I think that for me, I could be more conscious in looking for more opportunities to turn toward Mr. Ducky. What else can I do for him that will be an act of love, even if it is a brief moment and doesn’t take time. Maybe it’s as simple as sending a text message of encouragement when I know he’s had a long day at work.

I was really surprised to read the statistic that 69% of marital problems are unsolvable. However, I thought it was a good idea to reflect on our relationship and distinguish between the solvable and unsolvable problems so that we can better deal with them.

What stands out to you from these chapters? Can you relate?

Also, head over the the book club boards and start some of your own threads with questions or thoughts or join the discussion of some that are already there.

While wedding planning and all the fun details that go along with it are so fun and exciting, we can’t forget about what brought us to this point. A relationship. Whether you are nearly engaged, engaged or married then it’s probably a safe assumption that your relationship has had ups and downs. From the first date and every day after there is so much learning, growth and emotion that occurs.

I’m training (and about to graduate) for my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and have been working as a counselor with teenagers for the last year. Obviously my training and learning has had a lot to do with relationships. I wanted to jump on my therapist soap box and share a little bit more about my and Mr. Ducky’s relationship and a book that helped us to grow.

During the first year of our relationship, I read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages for Singles.” I had heard a lot about the book and finally decided to read it. It made so much sense and not only helped me with other friendships in my life, but my developing relationship with Mr. Ducky. After reading it, I also had Mr. Ducky read the book (he skimmed and listened to my explanation).

The book is based on the idea that we all have different love languages that we give and receive. We need to receive our primary love language to feel loved and without it may feel neglected or discouraged. Here is a quick summary of the five languages.

• Words of Affirmation: Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved… Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.”
• Quality Time: Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate…A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. Quality activities are a very important part of quality time…”
• Receiving Gifts: “Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion…These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.”
• Acts of Service: “Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy…Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects.”
• Physical Touch: “Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.” Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual. It can also just be touching when you talk or giving hugs. (Think how important physical touch is for a young baby developmentally)

Photos from a post on EAD by photographer Angie Schoenherr

Sometimes you can better tell what your love language is by what you give. Do you often write your friends a quick email of encouragement? Do you feel so much more connected with someone after you sit down and have lunch? Do you try to go out of your way to help out a friend in need or to make their day easier?

My primary love language is quality time. I need to be able to connect with people, talk to them and be able to hear about how their life is going. (Probably why I am becoming a therapist) Mr. Ducky’s primary love language is Acts of Service. He loves to be able give to others and help a friend whenever possible. I know he greatly appreciates and remembers when someone does something for him.

How is this applied to our relationship? It gives us a greater understanding of each other and our needs. If a period of time goes by and I don’t get to spend much quality time with Mr. Ducky because of all the craziness of our schedules I start to feel distant. He has learned how important it is that we make time in our schedule to do things together and be able to touch base. Mr. Ducky does so many wonderful things for me like fixing all my technology, making me dinners and doing other “acts of service.” Don’t get me wrong, I love when he does these things and I appreciate them so much. But above and beyond I feel the most loved and connected when we can go spend the afternoon together. Sometimes something as simple as watching him go surfing and grabbing lunch after can make all the difference in the day for me.

I know relationships need a little bit of all five languages and one cannot be ignored. It is a balance. But I do think that sometimes if you are feeling distant from your significant other, it could be because you aren’t receiving your primary love language. They may be loving you with a different language that you can see after you take a step back to observe.

If you get a chance, read one of the books (there are some adapted to relationships, singles etc.) and see if you can relate to any of it. You can also check out the website for a quick test of what your language is. This book isn’t necessarily “the truth” and solution of all relationships, but it definitely has important points that have helped give me a better understanding of people. By learning the love languages of the people around me, I can better invest in our friendship by not just speaking my own quality time. The book goes into a much more detailed explanation that above and talks about how you can learn to “speak” the different languages.

What’s your primary love language? Can you relate to ever not getting enough of it?

How sweet are all those engagement pictures? Here are a few more…