Being engaged is about so much more than just wedding planning. Yes, wedding planning is a very big part, but if that becomes a the sole focus I think you miss a big part of the process. The change from dating to marriage is a big one.
When Mr. Ducky and I got engaged we knew we wanted a longer engagement. Part of that was because of grad school and planning, but also because we really wanted to invest in our relationship and prepare ourselves for marriage. It should come as no surprise for those of you that know my background that we wanted to go to couples counseling or premarital therapy. After all, if I’m going to be a marriage and family therapist I better know what if feels like to be the one “on the couch.”
Instead of taking a class, or going to a pastor we decided to go see a licensed marriage and family therapist. Not that the other options are bad, they just weren’t right for us. I think any preparation that you do before marriage is great and can be so beneficial for the relationship. Many friends have asked us why went this particular route, so I thought it might be helpful to explain why we really wanted to have our own private sessions with a therapist or psychologist.
We wanted to find someone who was passionate about working with couples and has extensive training in the area. There are so many different theories and approaches to couples and relationships, some great and others not so great. It was important we find someone who really likes working with couples and relationships and has the knowledge to support that. Essentially we found someone who was an expert in their field. And not that they necessarily know what exactly what is right for us, but their knowledge can help guide us as a couple as we make our own decisions.
By seeing our own therapist the sessions can be individually tailored to our needs and struggles as a couple. There are certainly the major “hot spots” that most premarital counseling classes and counseling covers, but each couple has unique struggles that come form individual experiences. For example we are looking at how my chosen profession as a marriage and family therapist can impact our relationship since I deal with other people’s problems and emotions all day which can sometimes lead to feeling drained.
We are not going to see a couples therapist because we have major problems and need a therapist to “referee” us in session. However, just because we don’t have problems now doesn’t mean that we won’t have struggles in the future. By going to therapy now we are building our foundation and adding skills to the tool box that will help us cope with future challenges that will no doubt come up in marriage, even if it’s 30 years from now. Our therapist is an outside party that can look at us objectively, be brutally honest if needed and challenge us to grow as a couple.
The idea of going to see a therapist or psychologist is scary and intimidating for many people. Sometimes you can feel like something is wrong with you or that couples counseling really means that the relationship is over. However, this is not what therapy is about. Therapy does not have to be a last resort. Instead it can be a tool that can prevent you from hitting that low point or just encourage growth. By going to couples therapy now, I believe it will allow us to feel comfortable going back to a counselor during marriage if we ever need a “tune-up.” By establishing a relationship with a marriage therapist now, it will create a bridge for us to go back if we ever hit a tough spot in the marriage and could use some extra insight or encouragement. Just attending the first session can sometimes be the hardest part of the process and then you are able to break down some of the fears and mystery.
Even with my own experience, it was still a little odd and uncomfortable to go for the first few sessions with Mr. Ducky. It’s intimidating to open up yourself and your relationship to another person. However, after our first few sessions I feel much more comfortable and it is going to be so good for us. I will try to share some “snippets” that we take away from the sessions and get the hives thoughts. In our first few sessions I was away with a deep appreciation for the relationship I have with Mr. Ducky and hopeful for all that is ahead in our future. I hope that maybe our reasoning for going to counseling may help you if you are trying to decide whether or not to go.
A big concern when I talk to my friends and other people is the cost of therapy. Obviously as you are saving for your new lives and spending money for the wedding, the extra costs have to be looked at. Mr. Ducky and I are choosing to set aside money each month for our counseling and are looking at it as an investment. However, therapy is not always as expensive as you may think. Here are a few suggestions to find affordable counseling:
- If you find a therapist you like ask if they are able to lower their rate or if they having a sliding scale fee.
- If they can’t work with you, ask for a recommendation for someone who is within your budget.
- Ask the therapist if they have an intern who could work with you. A therapist intern is someone who is still earning their hours (3000!) to become a licensed therapist. They are still do regular therapy, they just consult with their supervisor on the cases. This is a good deal for you because they may be supervised by an expert and have all their resources. Often times they have a lot of experience. (I’m an Intern)
- If you are student look into the resources at your counseling center and if they will do couples therapy. Most counseling centers at school are either free or very low cost.
- Find a community clinic. Community clinics are very affordable and usually have a sliding scale fee. You can still find an awesome therapist at these clinics.
- Call a local school with a Marriage and Family Therapy Program, or similar psychology program and ask if they have a clinic associated with their students or if they can recommend somewhere. These school also have lists of recent graduates who are working in the field and probably don’t have as high of rates.
- Check with insurance
- Ask around. This might be obvious but someone close to you may have a recommendation for a great and affordable therapist.
How do you find a therapist? I think this part of the process is very discouraging for many people. It is hard to find a therapist. I definitely had an advantage in this area because of being in the field. No one therapist is alike and there are so many different styles. Even if the first therapist isn’t right, you can find someone who relates to you and that you can trust. I sometimes joke that people put more effort into finding a hair stylist than finding a therapist that works for them. Here are some resources that you can utilize to find a therapist. These are therapist finders that will help you find a therapist and many give brief descriptions on specialties, cost and location.
- Therapist Finder for California from California Association for Marriage and Family Therapists: http://www.therapistfinder.com/
- TherapistLocator through American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists
- Find a Therapist through Psychology Today
These are just a few resources. If you’d like some more please let me know and I’d be happy to recommend something more specific. If you are located in Orange County and are looking for a good therapist, let me know and I’d be happy to give you some other recommendations.
Are you doing premarital counseling or couples therapy? How did you decide whether or not you wanted to do it?
What has been the best part of your counseling or premarital classes so far?
