My Wedding Report

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman

Well I have the last recap for our first Weddingbee book club book. For those of you that haven’t read the book or any of the posts so far you can catch up by reading Part I or Part II.

Chapter 8: Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

In this chapter Gottman discusses how to resolve conflict in a loving relationship. There are 5 steps.
1. Soften Your Startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Basically this principle comes down to giving you partner the same respect that you give others in your life. If you have the book Gottman gives examples of exercises you can do to work on each of the steps.

Chapter 9: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

The most common areas of marital conflict are: work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework and a new baby. Even in a happy marriage these can still be hot buttons. Why? They are connected to some of marriages most important work or as Gottman says tasks. In every marriage there are emotional tasks that allow the marriage and relationship to deepen. This comes down to an understanding where each person can feel safe and secure. Below are the tasks associated with the hot spots and some advice Gottman gave. For the advice section I would strongly recommend reading what the book has to say because there is just no way I can do the words justice in this recap.

Stress and More Stress
The Task: Making Your Marriage a Place of Peace

Bringing work stress and other stresses home can sabotage the marriage. On average today’s couples work 1000 hours more each year than couples 30 years ago. By acknowledging the stress of the day and that you both may need individual time to wind down and decompress can save some of the tension. Also know that situations may get overblown because one person is under significant stress. Even scheduling a venting session about a particularly high time stress may help.

Relations with In-Laws
The Task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity between husband and wife
There are lots of jokes about the in-laws but when you look at research the majority of the family tension is between the wife and her mother-in-law. As the two women spend time together the difference become more obvious and at the core there is essentially a turf battle. The guy ends up being the peacemaker which makes the situation worse. Gottman says that the only way to solve this is for the husband must side with his wife because it is essential for the “we-ness” and his wife comes before this mother. This doesn’t mean that the husband should compromise who he is, but he should stand with his wife and not in the middle. “He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.” Also, do not tolerate contempt from your parents towards your spouse. These roles can be reversed as well and the same principles apply.

Money, Money, Money
The Task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes
Because money symbolizes emotional needs it goes to the core of our individual value system and how we each deal with money. Clearheaded budgeting is important, especially in the beginning of a marriage. It’s important to work as a team and to clearly communicate each person’s concerns, needs and fantasies.

Sex
The Task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
Sex offers the potential for embarrassment, hurt and rejection in couples. It’s difficult to communicate clearly about the topic and couples usually talk in vague ways around the topic. It’s important to learn how to talk about sex in a way that makes each person feel safe. Learn how to ask for what you want and the appropriate way to respond to your partners requests. “A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.”

Housework
The Task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork
In many situations the husband does not understand why housework is such a big deal to the wife. They may have been raised in a more traditional household and don’t know better. It can turn into a pattern where the husband does work and feels like he should be applauded, but then the wife demands more and he becomes defensive and does less. Basic idea to solve this? Everyone has to do housework.

Becoming Parents
The Task: Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children
Again another chapter that can not possibly be summed up in this brief recap. But here are some general suggestions that Gottman discusses: focus on your marital friendship, don’t exclude Dad from baby care, let Dad be the baby’s playmate, carve out time for the two of you, be sensitive to Dad’s needs, and give mom a break.

Chapter 10: Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

“The goal in solving gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.” What is gridlock’s cause? Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by the other person. These dreams may happen at different levels. For instance gridlock over money issues may have the root dream and need for a deep sense of security.

Look at what the dreams are made from, often they started in childhood. No dreams are bad for marriage, but it can become a problem if they are ignored and not respected by your spouse. It may be an open conflict or perhaps buried in some sort of unconscious symbolism. Helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of a happy marriage. Goals can be tangible like having a dream house or intangible like wanting to feel safe. Uncovering the dream can help move you as a couple out of gridlock.

Steps to Overcome Gridlock:
1. Become a dream detective
2. Work on a gridlocked marital issue
3. Soothe each other
4. End the gridlock
5. Say thank-you

Be patient getting out of gridlock is a process and will take time.

Chapter 11: Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Beyond the first 6 principles there is something else that goes beyond just a stable and happy marriage. What is missing is creating shared meaning. A marriage can have “a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciate for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” Culture can be created with just 2 people. The more shared meaning you have as a couple the more rewarding your relationship will be. Family rituals can help to create shared meaning. This may mean something special you do for the holidays or having a regular outing together. Marriage will be deeper to the degree that each others expectations of one another are similar. Share your personal goals with each other and work together to achieve those goals.

The End!

What did you think overall of the book? Which principle do you hope to specifically work on?

What’s your suggestion for the next book club book? I’m not sure who will lead the next book club, but does anyone have any relationship books they’ve been meaning to read?

Like the previous posts please go join the discussions and start threads about the book on the book club board.

I have finally sent out our Save the Dates and now that I’m sure everyone has received them, I can finally share them with the hive. We’ve seriously taken our sweet time getting these guys out due to delays from school, life and just general procrastination. But oh well they are out and I’ve finally uploaded the pictures to share!

Without further ado here are the Duckling Save the Dates!

The first peak

Pull the Save the Date out

One more envelope!

And ta da!

Here is a picture of how my FMIL displayed her Save the Date. Isn’t that sweet?

Please let me know if you have any questions. I will try to put together a post with pictures of how we put them together, as well as what supplies were used if you are interested. Can you already tell where my cricut and cuttlebug came in handy?

I’m still on the search for my own shoes, but I also need to make a decision on the bridesmaids shoes. However, I need the advice of the hive on what to do. I want all the bridesmaids to get their own shoes, but I do want to at least let them know what color to get.

In case you forgot whatthe bridesmaid dresses look like here is a reminder picture:

The first option is letting everyone pick out their own silver or grey shoe. The dresses are a light grey so these would match. Some had concerns it would be hard to match, although I think even if it isn’t an exact match it’s okay since it is a short dress.

Source This isn’t the exact shoe since they would get to choose their own.

The next option is that everyone wears a strappy black shoe that they may already have. I definitely don’t want a black pump or peep toe because I don’t think it is soft enough for the dress and black isn’t one of our colors. However, it is probably the easiest to find and most rewearable. I just don’t want the black to stand out too much which is why it would need to be strappy.

Source This isn’t the exact shoe since they would get to choose their own.

I’ve also always loved colored bridesmaid shoes, but I don’t want to be super picky and make everyone go on the hunt for a particular color after they were able to save so much money on the dress ($62) and were so excited. But look at this picture from Amelia Lyon. Our colors aren’t green but we do have blue and raspberry. I’m tempted.

So hive I turn to you for your wonderful advice and thoughts. What do you think?

a. Grey/Silver Shoes
b. Strappy Black Shoes
c. Colored Shoes
d. I have a different idea and will comment below

Oh and if you want to comment why you chose A, B or C below that would be helpful too!

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman
Part I

I really loved reading all of your responses and comments on the book so far. There were so many sweet stories from early in our relationships that are so fun to read now. I’m seriously jealous that Bearcub has stayed in a tree house cabin and just smiled reading all the romantic stories of the moment you just knew.

Continuing on with the book club, here is the next recap of the next few chapters in the book.

Chapter 5: Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

This principle is basically about those little moments, subtle acts and quick exchanges that show so much love and affection. These small moments are part of what Gottman says a happy marriage is made of because the couple is turning towards each other and are connecting. In an unhappy couple these moments and exchanges are rare.

“Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”

There are many moments where you can choose to turn toward each other or away. These moments add up to create an “emotional bank account” that can serve as a cushion or support when times get rough, you are dealing with conflict and stress or are feeling distant. It helps to “maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times.”

Chapter 6: Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

Writing this chapter Gottman pointed a lot of the discussion towards men, not to say that women don’t have the same issue, but he sees that it is commonly harder for men to be influenced by their partner than the other way around. Statistically speaking, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce. What does “influence” mean? It doesn’t mean you let the other person rule your life, but there is respect, power sharing and making decisions together.

When you do not allow influence that is when room for the four horsemen to come in. Instead of acknowledging and respecting feelings, there is a drowning out or “obliterating her point of view” which is the opposite of this principle.

Some people will argue that this principle conflicts with their spiritual values or religious beliefs because men are supposed to be in control of their marriage and also their wives. However, this is not the case. “All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and honoring your spouse.” Would you want to make a decision where the other person feels disrespected? Probably not, that is why it is important to talk and learn how to convey honor and respect. Influence does not mean control.

Accepting influence is a skill in addition to being an attitude. If despite plenty of effort there is still difficulty accepting influence, then perhaps at the root of it there is an unsolvable problem. In marriage there is unsolvable and solvable problems. That is okay. Let’s look at this more in the next chapter.

Chapter 7: The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

All marital conflicts fall into 1 of 2 categories: Either the problem can be resolved (solvable) or it is perpetual (unsolvable).

Perpetual Problems
69% of all marital conflict falls in this category! This means that those issues you are arguing about now will likely be the same issues 15 years from now. However, “despite what many therapist tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” While you may never love dealing and arguing with these problems, you will develop skills to cope with them and learn to avoid situations that can help you deal. Dan Wile said, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.”

In unstable marriages these perpetual problems will be what end the marriage because there is continually “gridlock.”

Signs of Gridlock:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your postions are unwilling to budge.
• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing compromise
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally

Next post, we will talk about Principle 6 which addresses how to deal with gridlock.

Solvable Problems

While solvable problems may sound more simple, they still have the potential of causing lots of pain and conflict in a relationship. When the problems is causing this much pain, it means the couple has not mastered a technique to solve it. Principle 5 will talk about how to handle this problem directly, and that will be a part of the next post as well.

How do you recognize a solvable problem though? The first way is that usually a solvable problem is less gut-wrenching, intense and painful than a perpetual problem in gridlock. There is no underlying conflict for the problem, so the focus in on a particular situation or dilemma.

My thoughts and reflections:

I think Gottman’s point of the difference between Hollywood romance and what romance truly consists of, is such an important idea. I definitely have fallen guilty to wanting those sweep you off your feet moments that I love to watch in chick flicks. I don’t know about others, but that is not how Mr. Ducky and I’s relationship works. We don’t get all dressed up and fly away in a helicopter over a beautiful sunset to see the newest opera, (a la Pretty Woman) and we definitely don’t have romantic candlelit dinner every night following a whirlwind romance where we fell in love within days despite the craziest circumstances. What do we have? Well, we like to cook together, we tend to giggle and laugh about things that make no sense to anyone else, we are super excited to watch 24 and LOST together every week (so sad it is over) and the closest we get to a classic fairy tale romance is when we go to Disneyland with our passes and walk under the castle to get Splash Mountain. Romance for us is in the small gestures like when Mr. Ducky gave me a card at 11:00pm at night after I finished my last graduate course just to say he was proud or when I leave a post-it on Mr. Ducky’s computer just to say I love him. And of course I wouldn’t say no to a helicopter ride to go see an opera, I know that those things are not what make us a couple. There is a greater foundation that we have been building upon for a long time.

Mr. Ducky and I turn toward each other, but I think I can be more conscious of doing it more often. In the conference I went to, Gottman spoke about “sliding door moments.” Have you seen the movie with Gwenyth Paltrow, “Sliding Doors”? Basically it’s shows the two different outcomes had she made the train and then had she missed the train. While things may not be as dramatically different in the movie, there is still a different outcome based on whether or not you decide to turn toward your spouse. For instance you are on your way out with girlfriends and you notice your partner seems kind of down and tired. Do you stop and have a conversation to see what is wrong? Or do you figure that you will talk about it after you get home since you are already running late? First, neither choice is wrong. However, if continuously you choose the later option and don’t turn toward your spouse to engage you may miss out on some relationship building.

I think that for me, I could be more conscious in looking for more opportunities to turn toward Mr. Ducky. What else can I do for him that will be an act of love, even if it is a brief moment and doesn’t take time. Maybe it’s as simple as sending a text message of encouragement when I know he’s had a long day at work.

I was really surprised to read the statistic that 69% of marital problems are unsolvable. However, I thought it was a good idea to reflect on our relationship and distinguish between the solvable and unsolvable problems so that we can better deal with them.

What stands out to you from these chapters? Can you relate?

Also, head over the the book club boards and start some of your own threads with questions or thoughts or join the discussion of some that are already there.

Mr. Ducky proposed!! I can’t believe that it has been a year that Mr. Ducky and I have been engaged. This sounds so cliche but time has flown by. There has been so much that has happened in the last year aside from just wedding plans that has made it a blur.

I realized I never told the hive about our engagement story and thought that maybe this would be the appropriate time to have a little story telling session. Mr. Ducky and I had been together for a few years and we both had talked about about wanting to get married sometime after I finished grad school. The question was just when would the engagement happen. Mr. Ducky wanted to pick out the ring himself and surprise me so I really had no idea when the proposal was going to come.

Whenever I tell this story I have to go back a week before the engagement to Mother’s Day weekend 2009. For Mother’s Day I decided to go down to San Diego to spend the weekend with my mom and Mr. Ducky stayed up in Orange County with his mom. On that Sunday, Mother’s Day I got a panicked call from one of Mr. Ducky’s best friends. He had been on the phone with Mr. Ducky and all the sudden heard a loud crash and metal crunching when the phone went dead and the phone was going to voicemail when he tried calling back. Of course my heart started pounding and I immediately called Mr. Ducky but there was no answer. I tried calling his mom and again no answer. Minutes later Mr. Ducky’s mom called letting me know that Mr. Ducky was okay but he had been in car accident. It was one of those moments where your heart just drops and all you can do is stay focused on keeping it together to do what needs to be done. I jumped in my car and drove straight to the hospital to meet Mr. Ducky.

As I drove I was able to talk to Mr. Ducky and get the story of what happened. He had been driving on his way to pick up supplies to make dinner for his mom. As he was driving down the street a driver on the other side of the road started swerving towards him head on. Luckily Mr. Ducky swerved avoiding a head on collision, but was still hit on the side causing his truck to flip landing on it’s side. After he got out of the car he found out he was hit by a 16 year old kid who was on ecstacy and had blacked out from being at a rave the night before. Mr. Ducky was able to walk way from the accident with a few scratches and a sore back which was basically a miracle after you looked at his totaled truck. The kid who hit him was also okay.

When I finally arrived at the hospital and hugged Mr. Ducky it was one of those moments that I experienced so much relief, love and thankfulness that he was okay. What I did not know was that Mr. Ducky had bought the ring the day before the accident and had been in the process of trying to plan the proposal. That moment was in a way more emotional for him as he was preparing to ask me to marry him and almost had that taken away. In fact everything from the jewelry store was out on the table since he wasn’t expecting me until late that night, so while I went out to get dinner for everyone he and his mom had to hide the evidence. Later he told me that at the scene of the accident he kept telling the fireman and police that he had just bought a ring to propose to his girlfriend. I think it was some of the adrenalin still running after being in an accident.

The following weekend we headed down to San Diego to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mom since I had basically run out of the house in a panic to get to the hospital. On our way to dinner in Del Mar with my family, Mr. Ducky asked me if I wanted to take a walk down to the beach. I thought it was a little strange, but we had experienced many emotional moments that week so I thought maybe he just needed a breather. As we walked along the cliffs in Powerhouse Park overlooking the ocean we stopped at a bench. Before I knew it Mr. Ducky was reflecting on our relationship history, how thankful he was he had me and how the week we had just experienced had cemented more than ever that we were going to be together forever. And then he proposed!

My reaction? Pure shock. Mr. Ducky still laughs when he tries to explain the look on my face. Of course I said yes and experienced so much joy, happiness and excitement. I didn’t cry because I think I had cried out my emotions earlier in the week and I was way too surprised. It was the last thing I expected after the week of pure craziness. I still say that I experienced every possible emotion that week from terror, to sadness, anger, happiness, thankfulness and ending in pure joy and surprise. It was the perfect simple and romantic proposal. We were able to celebrate after by having dinner with my family who was waiting for us at a restaurant up the street. The following weekend we flew to Seattle for his brothers graduation and to celebrate with his whole family. It was seriously a whirlwind month.

When I think about our engagement and Mr. Ducky’s proposal I’m reminded of the all the joy and excitement in those first moments, days and weeks. I also think about how blessed I am that Mr. Ducky was safe after the accident and how easily it could have been a different story. However, despite a scary situation we grew so much from the accident and I think it took our level of trust, love and appreciation for one another to a new level.

Here is a picture of us a day after the proposal.

And here is the beautiful ring that Mr. Ducky picked out all by himself!  The picture was taken using some tips from Anne Ruthman.

Want to know a weird and kind of freaky thing? For Mother’s Day weekend last week we just so happened to go back to the same jewelry store the day before Mother’s Day to pick our our wedding bands. Not that we are very superstitious but I still didn’t let Mr. Ducky go to the store the following day for Mother’s Day dinner. We got him the supplies and he cooked.

Did anyone have a proposal go a little differently than originally planned? What was your first reaction?

Alright, who did their reading for the first book of the Weddingbee book club? I did! And if you didn’t that is okay because I am going to recap the best I can so that you can quickly catch up and join the discussion. I’ll try not to insert my personal opinion and experiences in here and save that for later and in the discussion. Before I get into the recap I’ll explain what we are going to do.

This week I’ll write a 3 part series recapping various parts of the book. As usual comment on the post, but also head to the book club discussion board. Here we can talk about things in a little more detail. On the book club board you can start your own threads and discuss areas of the book that stood out to you. After all the best part of a book club is that each person takes away a different snippets and ideas based on their own experiences and unique story.

A few weeks ago I went to a Couples Conference and had the privilege of hearing many different researchers, therapists and considered experts in the area of relationships, marriage and couples therapy. One of the people I was able to listen to was John Gottman. John Gottman is well respected in the area of psychology because his work is based on research and not just opinion. Listening to him it was obvious that not only is he passionate about this area of work, he is extremely knowledgeable in not just his own research but research across the entire field. After listening to him I think I took his book more seriously and really looked at what some of the concepts mean. Okay let’s get into the recap for those that need a refresher…

Synopsis/Recap
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Chapter 1: Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages

John Gottman created a “love lab” to observe couples and discover what causes marriages to work, crumble and what can you do to repair a marriage that is heading in the wrong direction. After many years of research Gottman can predict whether or not a marriage will last with 91% accuracy after observing a couple for 5 minutes. Marriages that succeed are emotionally intelligent meaning they are able “to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage.” There is evidence that suggests that healthy marriages can keep you healthier.
Why does marriage therapy fail? Most of it revolves around communication and learning how to resolve your conflicts which may be a good and useful thing but it is not enough to save a marriage. Gottman also lists many myths of marriage including:
• Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages
• Common interests keep you together
• You scratch my back and…
• Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage
• Affairs are the root cause of divorce
• Men are not biologically built for marriage
• Men and women are from different planets

Much of Gottman’s ideas, workshops and programs come from the “simple truth that marriages are based on a deep friendship.” This means a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. Friendship is the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse because of positive sentiment override. Positive sentiment override means that “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.” The secret weapons of couples during disagreements is a repair attempt. A repair attempt is “any statement or action-silly or otherwise that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Chapter 2: How I predict Divorce

Now in any disagreement or fight there probably is some degree of negativity. What Gottman looks at are specific behaviors or signs within the fight that may indicate a greater risk, not just that there is a fight. Arguments are okay, what is important is the way that it happens.
Harsh startups are the first indicator of whether or not a discussion is going to go well. 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of discussion based on the first 3 minutes.
One of John Gottman’s biggest focuses and areas that he is known for are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are certain kinds of negativity that are very harmful to a relationship and need to be worked on.

Horseman 1: Criticism. A criticism is global it is negative words about your partner’s character or personality, think using “always” or “never”. This is different than a complaint that is addressing a specific action where failure occurred. Example of a complaint: You did not take the garbage out like I asked you to this morning. Example of a criticism: You are so lazy and never take responsibility for upkeep in the house.
Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is any statement made from a superior position. It conveys disgust whether it is through sarcasm, cynicism, mockery or hostile humor. It will lead to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness. Defensiveness escalates the conflict by saying “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” It can be a righteous indignation or whining as the innocent victim.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from the interaction. It usually comes later in the marriage and generally is most common with men. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives.

Flooding is when your partner’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and so sudden that you are simply left shell-shocked. Stonewalling is often used to avoid feeling flooded. All you can do is think about protecting yourself. There are physiological measures or body language that Gottman uses in the love lab to measure when flooding happens during a conflict.

A pattern of failed repair attempts are another sign of a relationship being at risk. When the four horsemen start to overwhelm the relationship even the best repair attempts do not work. The last major sign is bad memories. When a relationship is suffering and not going well its history gets rewritten for the worse. A couple’s memories and recounts of the past are all from a negative standpoint.

Chapter 3: Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Emotionally intelligent couples in a happy marriage are “intimately familiar with each other’s world. This means having a “love map” which is having an sort of mental inventory of all the relevant information about your partner’s life. This means knowing major events from your partner’s history as well as keeping track changes and developments. For example you know to order your partner’s dressing on the side at a restaurant and you know their fear is becoming like their father.

Love maps protect your marriage during upheaval and conflict. A common time that you see couples struggle is after the birth of the first baby. However, couples that have detailed love maps of one another are able to stay in the habit of being intently aware of how the other is thinking and feeling and are able to not be as shaken during such a time of change.

The book gives a love map questionnaire to see how well you know your partner’s love map. It is comprised of 20 different true and false statements like “I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy in life,” “I can list my partner’s 3 favorite movies,” “I know the 3 most special times in my partner’s life.” Then there are 3 different exercises that help you to learn more about your partner’s love map.

Chapter 4: Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration can best be seen in how you view and describe the relationship’s past and history. There are not just positive feeling about the history but also being able to recall details and memories with ease. There is a retaining of the “fundamental sense that the other is worthy of being respected and even liked.” Fondness and admiration are crucial for a lasting romance. Even when you are annoyed by personality flaws you still feel the fondness, respect and admiration for your partner’s core as a person. Fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt because if you maintain the sense of respect, the feeling of disgust with contempt have less chance of creeping in.

Similar to Principle 1, this chapter on Nurturing Fondness and Admiration ends with a questionnaire to look at it’s presence in your relationship and 3 exercises to strengthen this particular area.

Now this post is getting long so I’m going to stop at Chapter 4 for Part I of the book club and share a few of my own quick reflections.

What were your thoughts as you read though the first chapter and introduction to the book? When I first read about John Gottman I found it really hard to believe that someone could say they predict whether or not a marriage will last. And even still this pretty relative because by identifying the risks and working through them you can increase the chances your marriage will turn around and thrive. However, as I read further I felt like this book would be important for me to read and understand so that I can learn ways to strengthen my relationship with Mr. Ducky and protect our marriage before it even starts. From my own experience in school I think that it is important that marriage therapy addresses more than just how to handle conflict. I think that is just one small piece in the puzzle and there is so much more we can work on.

I tried to really challenge myself to compare my relationship against the different risks and signs that Gottman spoke about in Chapter 2. I don’t enjoy looking at my own weaknesses and flaws, but in order to grow and strengthen our relationship I must do this. I am definitely guilty of having harsh startups when I am upset. Instead of coming to Mr. Ducky with an attitude of concern or openness, I can just make a statement of attack or anger. This doesn’t go anywhere. Every relationship has it’s conflict, weaknesses and struggles. It’s important to be aware of where these spots are and how to work on improving them. Part of why I like this book is that it lays out what different risks and problems are, but emphasizes what makes marriages successful and how these things naturally combat some of those problems.

I really like the idea of knowing your partner’s love map. I think this is something a lot of us naturally do, but “love map” is kind of a way to conceptualize or label the idea. While I know Mr. Ducky’s love map, there is always more that I can learn and it is always changing.

Right now I think Mr. Ducky and I are really strong in the area of fondness and admiration. Many of us are during this exciting time in our life and a time that our love is at a high as we anticipate marrying the person that we will spend the rest of our life with or are in the blissful stage of being a newlywed. I have so many memories from our first years of dating. Lately we have been doing a lot of reminiscing as we put together a video and slideshow for the wedding. It’s so fun to talk about different memories, remember all the funny details and just enjoy our story. What I took away from this chapter is how important it is to nurture this positive love and joy that is so present in our history. There will be times that we aren’t always on a high and we will struggle. However, these struggles will be much better if we can keep the presence of that joy that has been woven throughout our relationship that gives hope for much more joy in the future.

What were your first impressions of the book? What concept or idea stood out to you the most in the first four chapters? What did I miss in my brief recap that others may want to know? (I know there was probably lots ☺)

Now go buzz over to the book club board to join other parts of the discussion.

The ladies dresses are all taken care of so the next big thing to take care of is figuring out what Mr. Ducky and the groomsmen will be wearing. Mr. Ducky and I are planning on going shopping this weekend to find what he will wear on our big day.

Long ago Mr. Ducky decided that he did not want to wear a tux. He tends to overheat and did not want all the layers of a tux and he thought it was just too formal. I think Mr. Ducky would look so handsome in a tux, but I also know he will look equally charming in a suit and he’ll feel most comfortable.

The look of gray suits matches the balance of casual and classy. I have been admiring many pictures of gray suit grooms lately in all the blogs. I have to admit I really don’t know that much about men’s suits, so Mr. Ducky will be doing most of the choosing. I do love all this inspiration though!

The Bride’s Cafe

Bridal Wave

The Bride’s Cafe

Brooklyn Bride

While the gray’s are different, I loved this image because the whole bridal party is dressed in gray like ours will be. And of course it is a wedding from one of our wonderful PROs.
Once Wed

Evoke Photography

The Knot

And Mr. Ducky and I hope to find some fabulous socks!

Martha Stewart

I’m excited to see what we find. I’ll try to take pictures for you all if he allows it. He thinks I’m picture crazy.

Any advice for us before we go on the search?

Remember way back when I posted about the perfect pair bridal shower? I know a lot of you were really inspired so I’ve kept my eye out for other amazing ideas like that one. Well last week Courtney from Joyful Weddings and Events did a whole series on some of the amazing showers that she and friends have planned. I think I seriously was ooing and ahhing over every picture. Well now all I’m thinking about is who I can throw a shower for and put some of these ideas into use.

These were made by Melody, one of the newest PROs.

She made this with my favorite Cricut machine!

This was a shower put together by her amazingly talented sister-in-law, Lindsey. (I read her blog for craft and home decoration inspiration.)

How cute is this sign from a recent baby shower?

All Pictures from Joyful Weddings and Events

This such a small taste of all the amazing pictures and ideas that Courtney shared. I love that so many of them are DIY oriented and you don’t need a crazy budget to do something special and personal. Go check out her blog if you need some shower inspiration.

Another fabulous source of shower and party inspiration is Hostess with the Mostess. I am in awe over every detail and my mouth waters every time I see a picture of one of her sweet cocktails or desserts!

Yes Please!

This would be such a cute centerpiece at a shower!!

So freaking adorable!

All pictures from Hostess Blog

You can look on the blog or at the party theme section for tons of fabulous ideas. Even if you don’t have a party to shower there are some great theme party ideas. Any Twilight readers out there? Check this out.

Now I am waiting on a few friends to get engaged so that I can throw them a shower with all these new ideas!!

What are your favorite ideas for a shower?

I wish I may, I wish I might, that these shoes would go on sale.

Kate Spade Lovely Sandal

I love shoes. I can’t go near a shoe department if I don’t plan on buying shoes. I think I have mentioned my addiction before. I’ve been so good for months and months. I haven’t bought a pair of shoes since early fall.

Well I did it now. I tried on some shoes because they were beautiful. And of course they fit just right. However, they are also designed by the fabulous Kate Spade and are therefore out of this duckling’s price range. So basically I’m wishing, praying, crossing my fingers, rubbing Budda’s belly and doing a shoe dance that these lovelies go on sale. Well maybe that is a bit dramatic. I just really want them to go on sale.

That way I can get some fabulous shoe shots…

Images from The Bride’s Cafe, she often includes some gorgeous shoe shots that I swoon over.

Are you doing the sale dance for any dream items?