My Wedding Report

Did you wonder where I went? Well, last week I basically put our wedding to-do list on hold (including blogging unfortunately) to get ready to move into our new place! A few weeks ago after we got approved for our lease Mr. Ducky brought me this cute sign and roses to to surprise me with the news. Since then between the wedding and preparing to move it’s been a whirlwind.

This is right after Mr. Ducky brought home the good news.  Excuse the make-up-less picture. At least I’m real with you all right?

The packing seemed to never end last week. Mr. Ducky and I were basically moving from 3 places; my house, his house and I had lots of stuff stored at my parents. The process was a little crazy. For example taking a box of computer stuff from my house, a box from his and trying to combine it into one box. However, we finished everything we needed to do and were prepared for the move.

Because we moved to a new apartment community it wasn’t available for move in until this last Saturday. Yes, a little hectic considering it’s less than 2 weeks to the wedding and it was my bachlorette party this last weekend (more on that later). However, my dad, brother, uncle and cousin came up to help Mr. Ducky with the move since I was gone all day Saturday. They were such a huge help. Mr. Ducky treated them to dinner at one of our favorite BBQ places Bad to the Bone as a thank-you.

Sunday was spent unpacking and my parents and brother came up again when I got back to help unpack the kitchen. It was so fun to unpack all of our registry stuff and fun appliances. There was just something so exciting about unpacking things into our own place. Our community is an all green community so everything is energy efficient. Double paned windows, high efficient washer and dryer and a toilet that has flushes for #1 and #2. TMI? Maybe, but all the guys were laughing about it so I thought I’d share with you. What’s with guys and bathroom humor?

I was absolutely thrilled to get our Kitchenaid Mixer from my grandparents.  Mr. Ducky documented the opening to send some pictures to them for thank-you.  I can’t wait to start using it.

Want to know about our “freak out” of the weekend? As we were unpacking our dishes Mr. Ducky noticed that the backs of our dishes didn’t say “dishwasher safe.” Well we went to check on the Crate & Barrel website and sure enough we found that it said “hand wash.” We were so disappointed! We reluctantly set the boxes aside to exchange at another time. We told my parents about it and started looking at new sets. Well, yesterday I decided to check one more time and suddenly I found in the description that it said, “dishwasher, microwave and oven safe up to 300 degrees.” What!?!? Well after a little investigating I figured out there was another dish set that looked similar to ours that was the hand wash and ours were really okay. We put them through the dishwasher last night and everything was still perfect. We were so happy and relieved. We love our dishes! They are the Stockton collection at Crate and Barrel.

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Now with less than 2 weeks to go until the wedding we have some SERIOUS DIY to get done. I’ll try to keep you guys as updated as possible. We are going to be working away and I have some friends coming this weekend to assembly line it. Don’t worry, the invitation tips & tutorial post is coming up this week though.

I love our new apartment, but am still waiting it for to to transition from being that really nice place to being our new HOME. We have lots of work to do and some will probably wait until after we get back from the honeymoon. I’m stocking up on my design blogs now in Google Reader.  We feel so blessed are excited to make it home.

What do you do to make a new place feel like home? Anyone else move right before the wedding?

 
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I know what you are thinking, and there is not a baby duckling on its way. However, that was the topic of the week at our couples counseling.

It was an interesting conversation to have and while we’ve talked about it before, it was a good time to really look at a variety of issues. I thought I’d share some of the conversations that we had.

We started right at the actual birth and labor aspect. Now because of my psychology degree and lifespan developmental/women’s issues classes I have seen several videos of births. And honestly it scares me a little bit each time. I always thought that I would be one to ask for some medication to manage the pain. Our therapist asked if I had ever considered hypnotherapy during labor because it takes away the pain. I had never heard of it, but after her explanation I would definitely consider it as an option. Has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy?

When do we want kids? Mr. Ducky and I have always said that we want to wait at least 3 years or so before starting to have kids. We are both young and really want to invest in our relationship and build a strong foundation as a married couple before introducing kids into the picture. Another huge factor is financial readiness. Now, of course could an accident happen and we end up with a baby sooner rather than later? Yes, but we are hoping this will not be the case. We both agree that we would like 2 kids.

I’d like to be home with the baby at first, but I don’t see myself becoming a full-time stay at home mom. As a therapist I am able to set my own hours and days that I work. I hope to arrange my hours so that I am working when our kids are in school and I’ll be able to pick them up and be home with them in the afternoon. Before they are in school I would maybe want to work a few days a week and arrange child care accordingly depending on where we are at that point. Mr. Ducky is very supportive of these ideas. He knows that I love what I do and how much I have invested in my education. He wants me to be able to continue my work and be a mom.

How do we want to raise our children? Mr. Ducky and I had similar upbringings in terms of values and discipline. Our families were a good balance of strong boundaries and lots of support. We want to raise our kids in that same environment. We want to take our kids to church with us and teach them about our faith. There will be discipline, but also conversations of understanding and acceptance.

It’s really important to me that even after we get married, we continue to “date” and pursue one another. Our relationship will always be a priority and we will continue to be husband and wife as well as being parents. I think it is easy to lose those roles when the focus becomes only the children. Mr. Ducky and I want to be accountable to each other that we continue to take time for ourselves and invest in our relationship even when children come into the picture. This means that we have to start the habit of date nights etc. now.

While I don’t think either of us are ready for kids yet, it was exciting to think about the future.  It also gave us a chance to reflect on the appreciation we have for our families.  We are both lucky to have amazing parents that invested in us and gave us so many opportunities.  

Alright, hive now it is your turn for some questions:
How many kids do you plan on having?
When do you want to have kids?
If you already have kids, what effects will marriage have on them?
Do you or your partner plan on being at home for any period of time after they are born? Will someone be a stay at home mom or dad?
How do you plan on disciplining your children?
Have you and your partner talked much about children in the future?
Do you share the same view on most things related to children?
What topics have you covered in your couples counseling or premarital classes?

Being engaged is about so much more than just wedding planning. Yes, wedding planning is a very big part, but if that becomes a the sole focus I think you miss a big part of the process. The change from dating to marriage is a big one.

When Mr. Ducky and I got engaged we knew we wanted a longer engagement. Part of that was because of grad school and planning, but also because we really wanted to invest in our relationship and prepare ourselves for marriage. It should come as no surprise for those of you that know my background that we wanted to go to couples counseling or premarital therapy. After all, if I’m going to be a marriage and family therapist I better know what if feels like to be the one “on the couch.”

Instead of taking a class, or going to a pastor we decided to go see a licensed marriage and family therapist. Not that the other options are bad, they just weren’t right for us. I think any preparation that you do before marriage is great and can be so beneficial for the relationship. Many friends have asked us why went this particular route, so I thought it might be helpful to explain why we really wanted to have our own private sessions with a therapist or psychologist.

We wanted to find someone who was passionate about working with couples and has extensive training in the area. There are so many different theories and approaches to couples and relationships, some great and others not so great. It was important we find someone who really likes working with couples and relationships and has the knowledge to support that. Essentially we found someone who was an expert in their field. And not that they necessarily know what exactly what is right for us, but their knowledge can help guide us as a couple as we make our own decisions.

By seeing our own therapist the sessions can be individually tailored to our needs and struggles as a couple. There are certainly the major “hot spots” that most premarital counseling classes and counseling covers, but each couple has unique struggles that come form individual experiences. For example we are looking at how my chosen profession as a marriage and family therapist can impact our relationship since I deal with other people’s problems and emotions all day which can sometimes lead to feeling drained.

We are not going to see a couples therapist because we have major problems and need a therapist to “referee” us in session. However, just because we don’t have problems now doesn’t mean that we won’t have struggles in the future. By going to therapy now we are building our foundation and adding skills to the tool box that will help us cope with future challenges that will no doubt come up in marriage, even if it’s 30 years from now. Our therapist is an outside party that can look at us objectively, be brutally honest if needed and challenge us to grow as a couple.

The idea of going to see a therapist or psychologist is scary and intimidating for many people. Sometimes you can feel like something is wrong with you or that couples counseling really means that the relationship is over. However, this is not what therapy is about. Therapy does not have to be a last resort. Instead it can be a tool that can prevent you from hitting that low point or just encourage growth. By going to couples therapy now, I believe it will allow us to feel comfortable going back to a counselor during marriage if we ever need a “tune-up.” By establishing a relationship with a marriage therapist now, it will create a bridge for us to go back if we ever hit a tough spot in the marriage and could use some extra insight or encouragement. Just attending the first session can sometimes be the hardest part of the process and then you are able to break down some of the fears and mystery.

Even with my own experience, it was still a little odd and uncomfortable to go for the first few sessions with Mr. Ducky. It’s intimidating to open up yourself and your relationship to another person. However, after our first few sessions I feel much more comfortable and it is going to be so good for us. I will try to share some “snippets” that we take away from the sessions and get the hives thoughts. In our first few sessions I was away with a deep appreciation for the relationship I have with Mr. Ducky and hopeful for all that is ahead in our future. I hope that maybe our reasoning for going to counseling may help you if you are trying to decide whether or not to go.

A big concern when I talk to my friends and other people is the cost of therapy. Obviously as you are saving for your new lives and spending money for the wedding, the extra costs have to be looked at. Mr. Ducky and I are choosing to set aside money each month for our counseling and are looking at it as an investment. However, therapy is not always as expensive as you may think. Here are a few suggestions to find affordable counseling:

• If you find a therapist you like ask if they are able to lower their rate or if they having a sliding scale fee.
• If they can’t work with you, ask for a recommendation for someone who is within your budget.
• Ask the therapist if they have an intern who could work with you.  A therapist intern is someone who is still earning their hours (3000!) to become a licensed therapist.  They are still do regular therapy, they just consult with their supervisor on the cases.  This is a good deal for you because they may be supervised by an expert and have all their resources. Often times they have a lot of experience. (I’m an Intern)
• If you are student look into the resources at your counseling center and if they will do couples therapy.  Most counseling centers at school are either free or very low cost.
• Find a community clinic.  Community clinics are very affordable and usually have a sliding scale fee.  You can still find an awesome therapist at these clinics.
• Call a local school with a Marriage and Family Therapy Program, or similar psychology program and ask if they have a clinic associated with their students or if they can recommend somewhere.  These school also have lists of recent graduates who are working in the field and probably don’t have as high of rates.
• Check with insurance
• Ask around.  This might be obvious but someone close to you may have a recommendation for a great and affordable therapist.

How do you find a therapist?  I think this part of the process is very discouraging for many people.  It is hard to find a therapist.  I definitely had an advantage in this area because of being in the field.  No one therapist is alike and there are so many different styles. Even if the first therapist isn’t right, you can find someone who relates to you and that you can trust. I sometimes joke that people put more effort into finding a hair stylist than finding a therapist that works for them. Here are some resources that you can utilize to find a therapist.  These are therapist finders that will help you find a therapist and many give brief descriptions on specialties, cost and location.

• Therapist Finder for California from California Association for Marriage and Family Therapists: http://www.therapistfinder.com/
• TherapistLocator through American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists
• Find a Therapist through Psychology Today

These are just a few resources. If you’d like some more please let me know and I’d be happy to recommend something more specific. If you are located in Orange County and are looking for a good therapist, let me know and I’d be happy to give you some other recommendations.

Are you doing premarital counseling or couples therapy? How did you decide whether or not you wanted to do it?

What has been the best part of your counseling or premarital classes so far?

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman

Well I have the last recap for our first Weddingbee book club book. For those of you that haven’t read the book or any of the posts so far you can catch up by reading Part I or Part II.

Chapter 8: Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

In this chapter Gottman discusses how to resolve conflict in a loving relationship. There are 5 steps.
1. Soften Your Startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Basically this principle comes down to giving you partner the same respect that you give others in your life. If you have the book Gottman gives examples of exercises you can do to work on each of the steps.

Chapter 9: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

The most common areas of marital conflict are: work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework and a new baby. Even in a happy marriage these can still be hot buttons. Why? They are connected to some of marriages most important work or as Gottman says tasks. In every marriage there are emotional tasks that allow the marriage and relationship to deepen. This comes down to an understanding where each person can feel safe and secure. Below are the tasks associated with the hot spots and some advice Gottman gave. For the advice section I would strongly recommend reading what the book has to say because there is just no way I can do the words justice in this recap.

Stress and More Stress
The Task: Making Your Marriage a Place of Peace

Bringing work stress and other stresses home can sabotage the marriage. On average today’s couples work 1000 hours more each year than couples 30 years ago. By acknowledging the stress of the day and that you both may need individual time to wind down and decompress can save some of the tension. Also know that situations may get overblown because one person is under significant stress. Even scheduling a venting session about a particularly high time stress may help.

Relations with In-Laws
The Task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity between husband and wife
There are lots of jokes about the in-laws but when you look at research the majority of the family tension is between the wife and her mother-in-law. As the two women spend time together the difference become more obvious and at the core there is essentially a turf battle. The guy ends up being the peacemaker which makes the situation worse. Gottman says that the only way to solve this is for the husband must side with his wife because it is essential for the “we-ness” and his wife comes before this mother. This doesn’t mean that the husband should compromise who he is, but he should stand with his wife and not in the middle. “He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.” Also, do not tolerate contempt from your parents towards your spouse. These roles can be reversed as well and the same principles apply.

Money, Money, Money
The Task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes
Because money symbolizes emotional needs it goes to the core of our individual value system and how we each deal with money. Clearheaded budgeting is important, especially in the beginning of a marriage. It’s important to work as a team and to clearly communicate each person’s concerns, needs and fantasies.

Sex
The Task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
Sex offers the potential for embarrassment, hurt and rejection in couples. It’s difficult to communicate clearly about the topic and couples usually talk in vague ways around the topic. It’s important to learn how to talk about sex in a way that makes each person feel safe. Learn how to ask for what you want and the appropriate way to respond to your partners requests. “A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.”

Housework
The Task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork
In many situations the husband does not understand why housework is such a big deal to the wife. They may have been raised in a more traditional household and don’t know better. It can turn into a pattern where the husband does work and feels like he should be applauded, but then the wife demands more and he becomes defensive and does less. Basic idea to solve this? Everyone has to do housework.

Becoming Parents
The Task: Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children
Again another chapter that can not possibly be summed up in this brief recap. But here are some general suggestions that Gottman discusses: focus on your marital friendship, don’t exclude Dad from baby care, let Dad be the baby’s playmate, carve out time for the two of you, be sensitive to Dad’s needs, and give mom a break.

Chapter 10: Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

“The goal in solving gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.” What is gridlock’s cause? Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by the other person. These dreams may happen at different levels. For instance gridlock over money issues may have the root dream and need for a deep sense of security.

Look at what the dreams are made from, often they started in childhood. No dreams are bad for marriage, but it can become a problem if they are ignored and not respected by your spouse. It may be an open conflict or perhaps buried in some sort of unconscious symbolism. Helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of a happy marriage. Goals can be tangible like having a dream house or intangible like wanting to feel safe. Uncovering the dream can help move you as a couple out of gridlock.

Steps to Overcome Gridlock:
1. Become a dream detective
2. Work on a gridlocked marital issue
3. Soothe each other
4. End the gridlock
5. Say thank-you

Be patient getting out of gridlock is a process and will take time.

Chapter 11: Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Beyond the first 6 principles there is something else that goes beyond just a stable and happy marriage. What is missing is creating shared meaning. A marriage can have “a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciate for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” Culture can be created with just 2 people. The more shared meaning you have as a couple the more rewarding your relationship will be. Family rituals can help to create shared meaning. This may mean something special you do for the holidays or having a regular outing together. Marriage will be deeper to the degree that each others expectations of one another are similar. Share your personal goals with each other and work together to achieve those goals.

The End!

What did you think overall of the book? Which principle do you hope to specifically work on?

What’s your suggestion for the next book club book? I’m not sure who will lead the next book club, but does anyone have any relationship books they’ve been meaning to read?

Like the previous posts please go join the discussions and start threads about the book on the book club board.

Alright, who did their reading for the first book of the Weddingbee book club? I did! And if you didn’t that is okay because I am going to recap the best I can so that you can quickly catch up and join the discussion. I’ll try not to insert my personal opinion and experiences in here and save that for later and in the discussion. Before I get into the recap I’ll explain what we are going to do.

This week I’ll write a 3 part series recapping various parts of the book. As usual comment on the post, but also head to the book club discussion board. Here we can talk about things in a little more detail. On the book club board you can start your own threads and discuss areas of the book that stood out to you. After all the best part of a book club is that each person takes away a different snippets and ideas based on their own experiences and unique story.

A few weeks ago I went to a Couples Conference and had the privilege of hearing many different researchers, therapists and considered experts in the area of relationships, marriage and couples therapy. One of the people I was able to listen to was John Gottman. John Gottman is well respected in the area of psychology because his work is based on research and not just opinion. Listening to him it was obvious that not only is he passionate about this area of work, he is extremely knowledgeable in not just his own research but research across the entire field. After listening to him I think I took his book more seriously and really looked at what some of the concepts mean. Okay let’s get into the recap for those that need a refresher…

Synopsis/Recap
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Chapter 1: Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages

John Gottman created a “love lab” to observe couples and discover what causes marriages to work, crumble and what can you do to repair a marriage that is heading in the wrong direction. After many years of research Gottman can predict whether or not a marriage will last with 91% accuracy after observing a couple for 5 minutes. Marriages that succeed are emotionally intelligent meaning they are able “to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage.” There is evidence that suggests that healthy marriages can keep you healthier.
Why does marriage therapy fail? Most of it revolves around communication and learning how to resolve your conflicts which may be a good and useful thing but it is not enough to save a marriage. Gottman also lists many myths of marriage including:
• Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages
• Common interests keep you together
• You scratch my back and…
• Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage
• Affairs are the root cause of divorce
• Men are not biologically built for marriage
• Men and women are from different planets

Much of Gottman’s ideas, workshops and programs come from the “simple truth that marriages are based on a deep friendship.” This means a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. Friendship is the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse because of positive sentiment override. Positive sentiment override means that “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.” The secret weapons of couples during disagreements is a repair attempt. A repair attempt is “any statement or action-silly or otherwise that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Chapter 2: How I predict Divorce

Now in any disagreement or fight there probably is some degree of negativity. What Gottman looks at are specific behaviors or signs within the fight that may indicate a greater risk, not just that there is a fight. Arguments are okay, what is important is the way that it happens.
Harsh startups are the first indicator of whether or not a discussion is going to go well. 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of discussion based on the first 3 minutes.
One of John Gottman’s biggest focuses and areas that he is known for are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are certain kinds of negativity that are very harmful to a relationship and need to be worked on.

Horseman 1: Criticism. A criticism is global it is negative words about your partner’s character or personality, think using “always” or “never”. This is different than a complaint that is addressing a specific action where failure occurred. Example of a complaint: You did not take the garbage out like I asked you to this morning. Example of a criticism: You are so lazy and never take responsibility for upkeep in the house.
Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is any statement made from a superior position. It conveys disgust whether it is through sarcasm, cynicism, mockery or hostile humor. It will lead to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness. Defensiveness escalates the conflict by saying “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” It can be a righteous indignation or whining as the innocent victim.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from the interaction. It usually comes later in the marriage and generally is most common with men. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives.

Flooding is when your partner’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and so sudden that you are simply left shell-shocked. Stonewalling is often used to avoid feeling flooded. All you can do is think about protecting yourself. There are physiological measures or body language that Gottman uses in the love lab to measure when flooding happens during a conflict.

A pattern of failed repair attempts are another sign of a relationship being at risk. When the four horsemen start to overwhelm the relationship even the best repair attempts do not work. The last major sign is bad memories. When a relationship is suffering and not going well its history gets rewritten for the worse. A couple’s memories and recounts of the past are all from a negative standpoint.

Chapter 3: Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Emotionally intelligent couples in a happy marriage are “intimately familiar with each other’s world. This means having a “love map” which is having an sort of mental inventory of all the relevant information about your partner’s life. This means knowing major events from your partner’s history as well as keeping track changes and developments. For example you know to order your partner’s dressing on the side at a restaurant and you know their fear is becoming like their father.

Love maps protect your marriage during upheaval and conflict. A common time that you see couples struggle is after the birth of the first baby. However, couples that have detailed love maps of one another are able to stay in the habit of being intently aware of how the other is thinking and feeling and are able to not be as shaken during such a time of change.

The book gives a love map questionnaire to see how well you know your partner’s love map. It is comprised of 20 different true and false statements like “I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy in life,” “I can list my partner’s 3 favorite movies,” “I know the 3 most special times in my partner’s life.” Then there are 3 different exercises that help you to learn more about your partner’s love map.

Chapter 4: Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration can best be seen in how you view and describe the relationship’s past and history. There are not just positive feeling about the history but also being able to recall details and memories with ease. There is a retaining of the “fundamental sense that the other is worthy of being respected and even liked.” Fondness and admiration are crucial for a lasting romance. Even when you are annoyed by personality flaws you still feel the fondness, respect and admiration for your partner’s core as a person. Fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt because if you maintain the sense of respect, the feeling of disgust with contempt have less chance of creeping in.

Similar to Principle 1, this chapter on Nurturing Fondness and Admiration ends with a questionnaire to look at it’s presence in your relationship and 3 exercises to strengthen this particular area.

Now this post is getting long so I’m going to stop at Chapter 4 for Part I of the book club and share a few of my own quick reflections.

What were your thoughts as you read though the first chapter and introduction to the book? When I first read about John Gottman I found it really hard to believe that someone could say they predict whether or not a marriage will last. And even still this pretty relative because by identifying the risks and working through them you can increase the chances your marriage will turn around and thrive. However, as I read further I felt like this book would be important for me to read and understand so that I can learn ways to strengthen my relationship with Mr. Ducky and protect our marriage before it even starts. From my own experience in school I think that it is important that marriage therapy addresses more than just how to handle conflict. I think that is just one small piece in the puzzle and there is so much more we can work on.

I tried to really challenge myself to compare my relationship against the different risks and signs that Gottman spoke about in Chapter 2. I don’t enjoy looking at my own weaknesses and flaws, but in order to grow and strengthen our relationship I must do this. I am definitely guilty of having harsh startups when I am upset. Instead of coming to Mr. Ducky with an attitude of concern or openness, I can just make a statement of attack or anger. This doesn’t go anywhere. Every relationship has it’s conflict, weaknesses and struggles. It’s important to be aware of where these spots are and how to work on improving them. Part of why I like this book is that it lays out what different risks and problems are, but emphasizes what makes marriages successful and how these things naturally combat some of those problems.

I really like the idea of knowing your partner’s love map. I think this is something a lot of us naturally do, but “love map” is kind of a way to conceptualize or label the idea. While I know Mr. Ducky’s love map, there is always more that I can learn and it is always changing.

Right now I think Mr. Ducky and I are really strong in the area of fondness and admiration. Many of us are during this exciting time in our life and a time that our love is at a high as we anticipate marrying the person that we will spend the rest of our life with or are in the blissful stage of being a newlywed. I have so many memories from our first years of dating. Lately we have been doing a lot of reminiscing as we put together a video and slideshow for the wedding. It’s so fun to talk about different memories, remember all the funny details and just enjoy our story. What I took away from this chapter is how important it is to nurture this positive love and joy that is so present in our history. There will be times that we aren’t always on a high and we will struggle. However, these struggles will be much better if we can keep the presence of that joy that has been woven throughout our relationship that gives hope for much more joy in the future.

What were your first impressions of the book? What concept or idea stood out to you the most in the first four chapters? What did I miss in my brief recap that others may want to know? (I know there was probably lots ☺)

Now go buzz over to the book club board to join other parts of the discussion.

While wedding planning and all the fun details that go along with it are so fun and exciting, we can’t forget about what brought us to this point. A relationship. Whether you are nearly engaged, engaged or married then it’s probably a safe assumption that your relationship has had ups and downs. From the first date and every day after there is so much learning, growth and emotion that occurs.

I’m training (and about to graduate) for my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and have been working as a counselor with teenagers for the last year. Obviously my training and learning has had a lot to do with relationships. I wanted to jump on my therapist soap box and share a little bit more about my and Mr. Ducky’s relationship and a book that helped us to grow.

During the first year of our relationship, I read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages for Singles.” I had heard a lot about the book and finally decided to read it. It made so much sense and not only helped me with other friendships in my life, but my developing relationship with Mr. Ducky. After reading it, I also had Mr. Ducky read the book (he skimmed and listened to my explanation).

The book is based on the idea that we all have different love languages that we give and receive. We need to receive our primary love language to feel loved and without it may feel neglected or discouraged. Here is a quick summary of the five languages.

• Words of Affirmation: Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved… Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.”
• Quality Time: Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate…A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. Quality activities are a very important part of quality time…”
• Receiving Gifts: “Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion…These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.”
• Acts of Service: “Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy…Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects.”
• Physical Touch: “Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.” Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual. It can also just be touching when you talk or giving hugs. (Think how important physical touch is for a young baby developmentally)

Photos from a post on EAD by photographer Angie Schoenherr

Sometimes you can better tell what your love language is by what you give. Do you often write your friends a quick email of encouragement? Do you feel so much more connected with someone after you sit down and have lunch? Do you try to go out of your way to help out a friend in need or to make their day easier?

My primary love language is quality time. I need to be able to connect with people, talk to them and be able to hear about how their life is going. (Probably why I am becoming a therapist) Mr. Ducky’s primary love language is Acts of Service. He loves to be able give to others and help a friend whenever possible. I know he greatly appreciates and remembers when someone does something for him.

How is this applied to our relationship? It gives us a greater understanding of each other and our needs. If a period of time goes by and I don’t get to spend much quality time with Mr. Ducky because of all the craziness of our schedules I start to feel distant. He has learned how important it is that we make time in our schedule to do things together and be able to touch base. Mr. Ducky does so many wonderful things for me like fixing all my technology, making me dinners and doing other “acts of service.” Don’t get me wrong, I love when he does these things and I appreciate them so much. But above and beyond I feel the most loved and connected when we can go spend the afternoon together. Sometimes something as simple as watching him go surfing and grabbing lunch after can make all the difference in the day for me.

I know relationships need a little bit of all five languages and one cannot be ignored. It is a balance. But I do think that sometimes if you are feeling distant from your significant other, it could be because you aren’t receiving your primary love language. They may be loving you with a different language that you can see after you take a step back to observe.

If you get a chance, read one of the books (there are some adapted to relationships, singles etc.) and see if you can relate to any of it. You can also check out the website for a quick test of what your language is. This book isn’t necessarily “the truth” and solution of all relationships, but it definitely has important points that have helped give me a better understanding of people. By learning the love languages of the people around me, I can better invest in our friendship by not just speaking my own quality time. The book goes into a much more detailed explanation that above and talks about how you can learn to “speak” the different languages.

What’s your primary love language? Can you relate to ever not getting enough of it?

How sweet are all those engagement pictures? Here are a few more…